I love the time between shows. Especially right now. I have this nice sense of accomplishment from all the shows I've done over the last two years. I also have this sense of standing at the foot a giant mountain, and wondering when I'll finally decide to climb it. I know I can. I feel like a big fish in a very very small pond. Cliché, of course, but how true.
I'm really looking forward to All Shook Up, and I'm also really relieved to be done with Evita. She's so strident, and strong ALL THE TIME. Even in her death, at her weakest moment. As wonderful as it was to perform that role, I grew tired of constantly "holding her up" so to speak. I enjoy the vulnerable, playful, and sometimes even the uncertain moments in life. There's a joy in not knowing what's coming next. There's a joy in letting a situation play itself out, instead of (as Eva would do) masterfully manipulating it to come out the way I like it. Oy. That's a LOT of energy. It's no wonder she died so young. And I'm certainly not the first person to say that.
Right now, I'm happy to have let that role go. I recently compiled a list of songs that I've "completed". (I put that in quotations because I don't think anything is ever truly complete. Yes, it can get rusty, but even if you keep it fresh, there are endless possibilities of what you could do with it next. Anyhow.) So I made this list, and it included all the roles I've done, and under the titles of the show, each of the songs that were in the show that I could perform solo, or as a duet. I then listed all the songs that I've learned independent of shows. I then listed (all of this in MS Word) all the songs and roles that I've begun building and never finished, and then made ANOTHER list of things that I'm really right for, and have never touched.
Having it all summed up like that is such a relief. It's like looking at a three page thing that just says "Oh, so this is where you are." and then I say "Cool. Now I know what to work on!" Instead of sifting through books, I can just look at my long overdue repetoire list and say "Oh, I never finished building "Beauty And The Beast", if that ever comes up I should NAIL it. I'm gonna finish building that this month." or even just "Wow. I had not idea how much material I know."
That was really the biggest revelation. I thought it wouldn't even take up a full page (two columns). It's a full three pages. I was honestly startled. It took me more than three hours to look through all my books and compile and organize all the material I know. I feel this vast sense of accomplishment, and even a sense of comfort knowing that I have that much material in my back pocket. The first page is "performance ready" material. The next two are all "in progress". So I also have this great sense of focus and direction now.
On a totally different note - I put that picture at the top of this post because I see this time as a sort of... coming back to myself. I feel like I'm recovering from playing Eva Peron, and rediscovering myself, and re-learning that I actually *like* myself. That's nice. This picture reminds me of some of the most essential parts of myself that I love.
It's nice to not have the responsibility of keeping myself up to par for a show every day. I can just be me.
